Thank you all for reading my words in A new reality of pain and hope. The loss of Quinn and Aria has placed me in a ‘club’ that no person even thinks they will be a part of. It is made up of rich mums and poor mums, young mums and old mums, christian mums and mums of other or no faith. It is a club that doesn’t care what colour skin you have or where you live (although, mums living in absolute poverty make up too many people in this ‘club’). But there is one thing in common…once a baby, as small as a pea or one that you have held and loved and soothed in your arms leaves you here on earth, a part of you leaves with them and you will never be the same.
I have been reading and searching for a way to be thankful in all circumstances over the past few months. Not to just grit my teeth and move on with a smile, but for a way to acknowledge my love for what I have lost, to mourn the child that I will not see playing with my other children and to be ok with that. I don’t know if I have my head all the way around it but one story has certainly helped me.
You may have heard this story, or it could be completely new, the story is of 3 men, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and you can read it here. While the story is a great one to read to my son about integrity and bravery….the verse that has helped me is,
“17 If our God—the one we serve—is able to rescue us from the furnace of flaming fire and from your power, Your Majesty, then let him rescue us.[b] 18 But if he doesn’t, know this for certain, Your Majesty: we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you’ve set up.”
That simple, but so profound view that ‘If’ God is able to rescue us, then great, BUT ‘If’ he doesn’t then thats ok too.
The way I am trying to look at it, without discounting mine, or anyone else’s loss of a baby in pregnancy is,
If my God – the one I serve – is able to bring the child from my womb safely into my arms, then let him. But if he doesn’t, I know this for certain, My God is good for he has prepared a place for me and my children and I have hope in that.
I think that is where I can be thankful in all circumstances. I am not thankful that I have gone through this. I am not thankful that I nearly died in the process. I am not thankful for the hurt that I feel. BUT I am thankful that this is not the end.
Part of my healing journey has been to join in the SIDS and Kids fun run. Now understand this, Historically, I am not a runner. No, not even a little bit. I like to walk, but I run only when being chased or when I need to catch one of the kids (and only then if they are in danger!) But, when I signed up for the run I wanted to be serious about it. I wanted it to be a place where I could find some confidence in my body again as well as raising funds and awareness for families going through what has to be the hardest experience a family ever have to get through.
With only signing up a month before the run, and as I am not a runner, I chose the 3km journey, something I was hoping would be achievable to train for in that time. I made a fundraising goal of $250 and within a few days due to generous donations from wonderful friends I had exceeded that goal. Tonight, I have also exceeded my training goal. With two weeks to go I am now able to ‘run’ albeit slowly, 3kms! YAY! As I pound the pavement, I have Quinn and Aria’s names pounding through my head alongside the names and faces of friends who have also unwillingly joined this ‘club’.
I would be honoured if you would sponsor me in this run. I am now hoping to fundraise $800 and am looking at running the 5k instead of the 3k. Being a part of this event, the training, the fund-raising, the messages from friends and I am sure, the actual day, are all a ways I can move forward in hope.